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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29924043">Obsessions</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/grapeson/pseuds/grapeson'>grapeson</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Batman - All Media Types, Young Justice (Cartoon)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Amnesiac Jason Todd, Gen, Good Parent Talia al Ghul, Good Sibling Jason Todd, Jason Todd Has Issues, Jason Todd and Damian Wayne are Siblings, Jason doesn't remember</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 09:14:19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,928</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29924043</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/grapeson/pseuds/grapeson</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Jason's obsessions only turn to be greater by the end. His thoughts seemed to be getting bigger, day by day. There's hope this will eventually help his memory.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Talia al Ghul &amp; Damian Wayne, Talia al Ghul &amp; Jason Todd</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>24</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. A Journal</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I can't remember if Jason couldn't write or read or anything like that when he had amnesia. I'm not sure. But anyway, this is my first fanfic on this site. </p><p>Also, Bruce, Dick, and the others will most likely be seen more later in the story (either this story or in the possible sequel). This fic might only be around 10 chapters. The schedule for this fic is irregular.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>October 31, 2018<br/>
Dear Journal,</p><p>Talia gave me this journal to let out my thoughts mostly about pain. I see it as idiocy. What's the point? I'm doing fine. I'm doing quite fine. In all honesty, It'll never go away. And if she can't see that. Then I don't know what I'm going to do. The pain - the remembering. Everything she tries and I try never works. I keep trying, but It just doesn't work. She keeps trying to help. It just can't work. I have thoughts, and these thoughts never seem to go away. They can't go away. They just can't. I'm so close to clasping onto them, I'm this close. I can't let them go. Because If I do. What's left? The only thing that's left is a piece of shit that can't remember before and sometimes not even after and that can't even speak? It's as if I'm alone and this loneliness is something I can't decipher. I have people with me. Damian and Talia. But something's missing. And the more it's missing for the more I keep getting flustered. One day I might find it and when I do I'll be telling you.</p><p>The more I think about it. They're not telling me something. It irritates me. I want to know so badly. Sadly, I can't ask. I can't speak. My mind is boggled up. It helps me write in some ways maybe; it can help me remember. Possibly. Today, nothing really happened. I was training with a teacher. I was fighting really well. He seemed jealous of how well I was doing. The better I did the more of his red and angry face I could see. I keep smirking at the thought. Holy shit. I may be dang good after all maybe not the best as Talia and Ra's. But I may even be better than them in the future even if it's ten years from now. The only person I'm better at in that family is Damian. Then again, he is ten-years-old so it doesn't count. Now that I think of it. Damian and I are pretty much brothers not by blood, obviously but by the bond we share. Whatever it is. We're both cold and mean. I do it through my facial expressions, and he does it through speech.</p><p>I had a dream last night. I barely remember it. I saw a man in the pitch darkness slowly going in the other direction I was standing still not moving an inch. My point of view kept getting shorter and shorter. I could feel it move. I had pulled my hands to my eyesight, and I saw blood. They were covered to the elbow. They weren't mine: It didn't feel like it. The more it continued the more they became like a false reality I could feel pain, hits, and yet they weren't real. It felt hours and hours but it was only minutes. It felt like I was remembering something but some time in it I realized it wasn't anything that mattered. It was just some fool in clown make-up. He seemed like a psycho but I didn’t recognize him. The only person I’ve ever remembered or recognized was some rich ward, Richard Grayson. Talia even told me that his nickname is Dick. It’s fucking funny. How do you even get ‘Dick’ from Richard? If I ever met him face to face I would mock his nickname every single time.</p><p>Talia wants me to partake in a little round of fun. Which just means accompanying Ra’s to fight the little group of children that are called ‘the outsiders’. What a piece of shit name. Most of their names are stupid. I may be called ‘Red’, ‘Red Mask’ and sometimes ‘The Red of Death’ but I think they’re better than their names. I didn’t even have a choice the day I stayed with Talia I became them. Sometimes, I just wish. I wish I could be something different. But I can’t escape it. It stays in my mind and stays there forever even if I become and change into something different. I'll always remember when I am now. A teen groomed up to end people's lives. I feel for Damian in some ways. I can't relate in some of the bigger ways because In other ways I can. He's raised as a child soldier. I'm raised as his brother. And maybe, I can continue influencing him. Sure. I might have a tad bit of power for it. I want him to have a good childhood better than one now. I can see him running around and smiling and giggling like he doesn't have a care in the world. The only thing he would do was have to be a kid something I don't even remember doing. I know that this wouldn't happen during his life right now. He's training, learning, and being polished into an adult child. He deserves something different. The world seems to not let that happen. His grandfather only seems to put his own interest instead of his grandson's. He can't even do it for his own children, so it isn't shocking at all.</p><p>Damian says his father is someone big. I have no idea who he is. Whoever it may be he will never know who Damian is. From my knowledge, Talia doesn't like to speak about him when I'm present. I've heard some when I'm near the door but she always knows I'm near 30 seconds into her talking. She tells me to leave and closes the door on my face leaving me always flabbergasted. For someone who can't talk, I can speak very much through my very small facial expressions.</p><p>-</p><p>November 1, 2018<br/>
Dear Journal,</p><p>Talia seems to be agitated. I don't know why, but she keeps looking behind her back every time she can feel someone walking behind her. It's strange, the only time she does this or needs to do this she would have planned something, big. And I don't know what type of big but I'm going to get to the bottom of this whether this will be. She also keeps shooting glares at Ra's but more than usual. I feel in my gut it will be something against him. Which would mean I would have to choose sides. Talia or Ra's. But Ra's doesn't like me. I'm a pest to his legacy. I think he means of it to be for assassins, but I fight better than the majority of assassins that's ever been one. If he can't see that then I'll have to earn it, just like his respect, his time, and his training. I keep trying, but it's hard trying to suck up to a man who's such a dick. The more I'm here the more I can feel my insanity going through my veins. They say I'm insane. Which I know I am, it's not something I haven't known. It's something I could understand the second I was alive. The more I think. The more I learn. The more I can see. The more I can tell I'm not supposed to be here. Why am I here? I ask that every day, I have a feeling I wasn't supposed to be alive. At least, not right now. I keep circling around the word, alive.</p><p>I picture me. I picture my body, my hair, my face, my scars. All grey, burnt, crinkled, my face red full of blood, my hands covered in blood. I'm alive but I can feel myself dying. Dying in a quick manner. He leads me to what am I? And will I ever die? So, many questions I can't answer because I yet know the actual answers. I'm puzzled by it. It deepens every day; my life isn't changing or evolving, it stays the same. I'm me, and they're them and it does nothing. This is something that I'll be writing in here. I want to check out if I'm healing and I know Talia would too. She cares, a lot. I can't let her down. I want her to be more proud of me. She's like a mother if I know what a mother is. She's good to me, and she sees me for someone else instead of a dumb boy who can't speak or remember. People only see me for my skills in fighting, I can see them scared of me. They talk when I'm far and stop when I'm near they turn and see me. I see their faces, their eyes tired, their lips serious, their eyebrows scrunched up, and their little masks getting put on. It's stupid they weren't already on. If I was a different person, I would tell someone farther in the line that they were slacking off, but thankfully for them, I'm not that type of person. Not yet at least. Talia tells me to "ignore them" and that she'll tell her father about this ordeal, that he will punish them. She hasn't said anything. She can tell I don't want her to. I don't care about them. I've dealt with this type of behavior since I remember. Plus, It was justified but kinda mean then again, those words are always said by Ra's, my teachers, and sometimes Damian. You get through it. Maybe in the future, that's left behind. It doesn't affect me, not one bit, I can handle it. I don't need someone looking over me. I can look over myself, Talia thinks I need her, sure maybe that's half of the truth, but soon that part of the truth will be no longer.</p><p>In the end, I don't know what to do. I have to remember before I can't tell what I was. I know, I write about this so often but I need to get it through my mind. Because if I don't know, when do I ever? It'll just turn out to be terrible because then I'll be just guessing of what I can't tell. Oh my god, I don't know what to do. Talia already knows about this, and she probably reads this journal to supervise me. If she is; hey! Talia. I'm doing just fine- now back to the writing.</p><p>Yesterday, Talia said I would go with Ra's which I think I wrote about, yesterday. She told me it would be in a week or so. They don't have an exact day, or he would have a conversation with them but he just knows it will happen, and seemingly he wants to be there. This is definitely strange as he never had given a hint to us before. But then again, we're not close at all. He's like my evil grandfather or something. He's closed off to anyone but his family or himself. He's close off to everyone in a different way. He just isn't the best and saying this isn't odd. When you first meet him, you would feel the air around him and it would feel evil and dirty like rain. His aura feels gloomy, lonely, and bad. In those ways we're the same we feel the same and even if he doesn't think that he should still look at it thoroughly and he'll see. I see it even. And I don't like him at all. I don't want to see me and him as the same and the other ways; we aren't the same are far greater than our common feelings. He kills, he hurts, he feels no remorse in doing so.</p><p>I don't want to be like him and I'm not like him. It hurts to see that Damian is more like him, he's like a mini Ra's only more innocent, fragile. And a child. He thinks he's the best, and he doesn't feel but deep down he does. He may not think that, but everybody knows every human has feelings except for Ra's, I don't think he's even human. He's beyond human, he's beyond the average human. He's nothing like them. He's grooming Damian. He's done it before and sometimes he does it to me. Our relationship is difficult to put a label on it. The closet is a mentor-student relationship. Our relationship isn't much this relationship is barely in the range for it to be called a mentorship relationship. I feel as though he hates me. I can tell. The way he glares at me and the way he wants me gone. He questions my ability to do anything, but thankfully I tend to perform above what is expected. I'm sure it helps me stay here. If I wasn't good enough, I would have been kicked at and Talia would have been forced to take me somewhere without him knowing. Damian idolizes him in some ways, not in ways like his father but in a family type of way.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Thoughts</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>November 3, 2018<br/>
Dear Journal, </p>
<p>Something was happening. People were scrambling around with no coordination or thoughts. It was strange, the room was dark the shirts are on the floor the lights were spiraled around. The ease of time slowed. Soon, the place was dark, only I was there. My hand was slowly lifting in a straight line. I could feel my body moving backward and my mind going forward. It was as if I was swimming away I couldn't move only feel. The pressure was hurting, someone was pushing me. It sparked a redness. I could see myself on the floor in red and black with my face full of blood swarming all the way down to my collar shirt. I was out of the body and could still feel everything. The blood going down, the spit rolling down my lips, the open wounds on my face galloping out blood like a piñata. I was struggling. It felt real, it felt like it was happening, but yet it wasn't at all. I have these dreams almost every single day. I sometimes have it even when I'm conscious. It's memories that I can’t remember. I write in this journal about this every time, but I need to get the point across to myself that these aren’t good dreams but bad dreams; nightmares.</p>
<p>

Those nightmares keep me awake right after I wake from them, these happen always at around 2 am in the morning. I come out my palms sweating, my heart racing, me making screaming noises. I always quickly sit up and look around. The place where I rest is just plain rock with a little bed at the corner of the room with wooden floor tiles that are always crinkled at the corner, some aren’t even there, it’s like a jail cell only without a cell, but it could be one. I’ve never been to jail but just by the descriptions of them by Talia, they don’t seem great. The good thing about the room is that it’s far from any of Talia and Damian’s rooms. Which I think is good. I don’t want their beauty sleep to be interrupted by me. They should have enough sleep to carry out the day. I don’t need to sleep. I probably went with no sleep for days before all of this. When I go to sleep, it’s just worse than being awake. Now and days It takes a long time for me to go, rest and fall asleep. I could go to sleep usually at 12:30 am, but before that, I go to bed at 11:00 pm. In fact, Talia and Damian go earlier. I spend my time training and reading books that Talia thinks I’d like. And she’s correct. I like them, most of the time it feels like second nature; reading. I enjoy it a lot.

</p>
<p>

Today Talia seemed, even more, stranger than the other day. She’s distant. Even from Damian. She’s always kinda distant but not to the point where she isn’t talking to me. She orders me to do stuff, of course, stuff that isn’t bad. But nothing more than that. I don’t budge with anything. I mean I can’t really. In the beginning, she was nicer to me, more than these days. She made me feel calm in her presence. Unlike someone, I know. She's still sweet and nice. If I didn't spend most of my time with her, I would've thought she was mean by her face. She has that type of face that seems mean or evil. But she isn't. I'm glad about that. Some days I contemplate on if my life's purpose is to do something else or to stay here. The way my life's pointing to is to the latter. I think I can leave or do something different, but the more I go on. The more of it is less likely to do so. It's like life is hitting me in the face. Which isn't new at all. It has been every time with something annoying or bad, usually worse every time. Most of the time when I think. It’s random with nothing to do with real-life to come off on. It’s just thoughts like daydreams. And technically they are. It’s a way to leave real life. You want life to be good and zoning out and dreaming is the only way out. I think life is the best it can be for now. It’ll change just like people can change. </p>
<p>Some of the times I think of what type of people I could’ve known before and what they could’ve looked like. Talia doesn’t say anything about them and says, “You’ll know when your memories come back.” I want to know before they do. Maybe they’ll be different than what would have been told by Talia, but I don't care. I want to what they would be like even with a tiny ounce of information. The tiny information would possibly open up a lot of knowledge. Talia's hiding something about not who they are but something far more ambiguous. Something about me. It's obvious, she uses words carefully and thinks about which is the best to select. If she's hiding something from me, about just me as a person it must be very life-changing. And whatever it is I want to know.

Damian is the same. He's not affected by anything, but he's acting differently, quieter. When he speaks there are always snarky dumbass remarks. He doesn't even do that. He's been told something most likely about his father. He did tell me something as well. "Stop being so childish," and "My mother is purposing something for you." I'm hurt, honestly. We're pretty much brothers and we do mostly, everything together. Like training and duels. We have some limited options because our day is consistent with training and the majority of our days are just on that solely for the day. It's very rare for something other than that to happen. 

</p>
<p> I'm scared that it's something else for him. I don't want it to be something that isn't created for a child, especially of his size. Everything that I don't know about, only makes me more scared because he's being raised as something other than a child. He's still a child whether he cares about it or now he still is and for now he will be. Damian likes to think he isn't a child, but is in the gratitude of something greater or older. I always tell him he isn't, but the more I say it the more he ignores it. He's mature for his age in every way he can be, and it's not good. I may not have remembered being a child or really know about having children, but I know he shouldn't be like this. I do hope one day Talia gives him a better childhood or at least some more child-like adventures.


</p>
<p>-</p><p>November 6, 2018<br/>
Dear Journal,</p>
<p>I feel bad for many things and today I felt bad for myself. When I woke up my mouth felt dry, and I felt drowsy and just sick out of my mind. It ended up getting over itself the moment I threw water on my face. The past day or two I've been sleeping pretty well. Nothing wakes me up anymore. I haven't had any nightmares or strange dreams but I feel something of that nature is going to bite me in the ass. Talia seems to be more close to me today. It's as if I'm her son and I am. I think something that happened about 3 days ago will happen again. I have accepted the fact, that I won't know anything. I keep bugging her, but she isn't and will never budge. I know it's for my protection, I think. And the more I think of it, the better I shouldn't know. I want to move on. But that's always going to be at the back of my head. And that'll make me want to still know. I just can't make up my mind on this.</p>
<p>

I ended finding out something today. It's about Talia being quiet. I'm going on a mission, not with Ra's, but something else. It's tomorrow, and I'm basically going to kill a man. I'm not sure, what I would be called. Maybe 8x or something. But it sounds cringy, I think so at least and I think I want to be called something that's new and all. Most of the names I've been called, I consider are pretty bad. Like "The Red of Death", Red, etc. Also, the man isn't important or someone big. They aren't saying who his name is, but I've seen a picture. I have to go and get him tomorrow. This is my first kill. I'm just confused on how I can go out when I've seen people better skilled than me and more experienced than I am not being chosen to do something like this. I haven't even finished. I think they want to see If I'm good for the job.  For some weird reason, I'm excited about it. Well, I'm not exactly excited more nervous than anything else. I don't want to disappoint Talia. She's my family, pretty much. I want to be the best and do the best I can, that's why I keep pushing my abilities and downplaying them as well. I want to stay here, weirdly, but I also want to see the world. And I know it'll be a long time before I will be able to do so again. This is why with this opportunity I'll try to take a sneak peek, wherever I can.
</p>
<p>

 I just realized I do feel a little sick. Not a big amount, but a tiny, small, little bit of sickness. I can still deal with it. With these types of illnesses, they go away quickly. But I just have to say: they fucking suck. One hour you feel fine and then the next hour you feel pretty bad. Good thing is that I feel pretty alright at the moment. Not much I can say about it. By tomorrow, I'll be fine. 

I imagine the world is pretty bad. Talia always describes it like that, especially the cities, she says they’re full of filth, crime, and people. I don't like to generalize by a single person, but the person I've met is pretty bad in every way. To be fair I barely remember her, so now that I think of it. I don't even know anybody from there. Which I guess is fine. I do hope one day that I'll meet someone from there to immerse myself in city-life.


</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The next chapter will probably be out in a couple of weeks, mostly because people heard me reading a fanfic during class because I didn’t know I was muted, so I need to recover from that before the next chapter.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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